A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Randomize
