The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
How's work?
Spinning.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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