i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
50% drunk capacity currently
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
