we have pet lesbian snakes
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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