A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
