I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
