Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
