Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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