I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
