Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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