break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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