This is not my ceiling
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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