OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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