Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
