I'm really into asian looking animals
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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