I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
