It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
