K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
