I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
