he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize