my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
