I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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