i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
