So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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