Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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