I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
