So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
babies were throwing up all over the place
I cut my penus on the lid.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
