I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
