And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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