my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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