hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
