So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
