Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
