I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
