Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
