Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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