Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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