PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
