The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
