Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
