just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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