OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
