You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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