how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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