I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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