I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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