hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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