I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
