You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
