The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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