Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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