People in love make me want to vomit
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize