But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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