I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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